I know I usually keep things light and airy around here, and I try to keep the more difficult subjects to myself. But, you know what? This is my blog and I’m not always Miss Happy-Go-Lucky. Since my blog is a complete reflection of me, it would be misleading of me to not have a little dark mixed in with the light once in a while!

Forgiveness can be a hard thing sometimes. Actually most times - especially when the hurt has been particularly painful. It is something I think just about everyone struggles with at one time or another.

When it comes to matters of forgiveness, I find myself asking questions like how do I EXACTLY go about doing it? Is it a process that takes time and happens little by little? Or, is it a decision that you make where you say, “I just forgive this person and that’s that!”

I come up with the same answer to all of those questions every time I ask myself them. The answer is, I just don’t know. I am not sure any of those questions really have a definitive answer one way or the other. I think each situation is different and should be handled differently.

For example, currently, I am faced with a situation where I am trying to decide whether to open the door to an “ex-friend” (for lack of a better description) and let them back into my life. This is tough for me because this friend hurt me very much when she essentially ended our friendship so long ago. The way it all went down totally sucked and was completely unfair. I thought I was over it and had closed the door on it. But now, I am faced with having to reopen that door and I’m struggling with that.

More than anything, I want to be loving and forgiving. I would never want to slam the door shut on someone that was reaching out to me. I want to let the past stay in the past. I am all about fixing the problem and moving forward with a new perspective and open heart. But, the problem I have is that I am not the same person I used to be when it comes to friendships. And, I hate that about myself, yet I have no idea how to change it.

So, now I am faced with this paralyzing fear of what to do once that door is re-opened after having been closed for so long. I have no expectations at all. I have learned that expectations always get me in trouble, so I have none as far as this is concerned. But I also know that there is no way I can let this person back into my life in any, way, shape or form without addressing the elephant in the room of how things ended.

I don’t want to dredge up the past, but how can things move forward without discussing it? I don’t think forgiveness means that there are no consequences for past behavior. I also don’t think forgiveness means that you have to put yourself right back into a sad situation because you want to be “forgiving.”

So, this is my struggle for the week. I have a tough call to make and have no idea what to say. I just know it has to be said. I just have to figure out how to do that in a loving and forgiving way.

When did things get so difficult? Seriously, does it really have to be this hard?